Embracing Labels by NR

I’d spent years not wanting to define myself with labels, and ticking boxes or claiming my identity out loud feels so definitive and official. But spending so long in lock-down and quarantine, existing in 4 walls without being able to interact with humans outside, I started to feel like a big, grey, blob. I felt like I’d lost my identity. I wanted a way to be me. Even if I can’t leave the house or join communities.

I know that certain aspects of my identity and who I am are clear from the mirror. I’m a white woman. Accepting those labels was all I’d ever done. There was no hiding from those parts of me. But there was so much I was hiding.

When I first acknowleged that I was bisexual, I was regularly told that it “didn’t seem like me”. As well as hearing the usual bi-erasure phrases of being “too greedy”, “too slutty”, “too indecisive”. So I stopped claiming that space. It was easier to just let people decide what they thought I was at the time, depending on who I was dating.But now, I’ve been in a happy relationship with a man for a year now and I’m starting to hear about that “phase” I went through. I started to use the word bisexual about myself in passing just to see how it felt and, at least at first, it was terrifying but it never felt wrong. Just new and kind of exciting. It also felt like a little weight was lifted.

There were a lot of other areas of myself that I’d been hiding that I’d started to explore. I’d used lockdown to develop my faith, to build a connection to something beyond us. Enjoying my faith and looking for a way to understand God, made me want to understand myself as well. But after building that relationship, in private and alone, the idea of stepping into a church and physically acting as a Christian felt like a step into a whole new me. So one day, after feeling lockdown stifled, and feeling like I needed an adrenaline rush. I went, I took the dog for back-up and I went to church, praying in a church felt wonderful. Just like that I took on the title Christian.

But the point of writing this isn’t just an opportunity to tell you about what I call myself now. Even though there is a long list of identities. I’m now choosing to own; Plus size, Female, Bisexual, Christian, Omnivore, Intersectional Feminist, Body/Acne positive, Taurus, Home Worker, Wannabe Writer.

The labels aren’t what matters.

It wasn’t that I felt hidden by my choices. I felt hidden because of my fear of other people’s opinions. Without worrying what people would say to me I could start to embrace who I am. To live life on my own terms.

Being who you are, all of who you are, for you. That’s what makes you happy.

So maybe it’s cheesy, but in a weird way lock-down made me a better me.